First of all,
i wld wanna say how much i miss my syg ALOT!... despite me meeting him last thursday...
He'll be busy doing his mission in camp.
All the best for him completing and doing well...
Apart from tht, a news i received was my grandma (daddy's mum)
she was warded becoz of stomache. then come to know its diahorrea infection.
which after she pooed with lots of blood.
Then they think it might be her intestine/stomache infection.
Then too much acid was in her stomache tht caused her difficulty breathing.
When i visited her this morning.
I was surprised to see her condition.
In an oxygen mask. breathing heavily and fast.
I spoke to her, telling her to breathe slowly.
She so wanted to take out the oxygen mask bt had no strength. bt was nt advised to, cuz it might worsen her breathing.
When i look at her. She looked at me, like as if she wanted to tell me how much she was in pain....
i CLD NT DO ANYTHING bt look at her. trying nt to cry infront of her.
i was tramatised by it...
then she was send to ICU. (critical condition)
so critical tht she had to rely on the machine to pump her heart,
cuz her lungs were so tired to pump /breathe anymore...
Tht when i went to see her again, she has lots of needles on her.
Seeing her lying on bed in a very uncomfortable condition.
This time, she had not much strength to lift her hand.
She looked at me feeling tired.
but deep in my heart , i told her to be strong...
dun let go...
doc says she has to go for scanning n surgery or else she cannot survive...
I broke down infront of my relatives...
Being the egoistic me who does not like ppl to see me cry.
Its so unbearable not to cry..
I felt, i had not done so much for her...
I dun see her often cuz i am busy.
But ,
deep down....
I really LOVE her...
i pray to god for her being able to breathe better n in not much of pain and a speedy recovery...
"Mama...
I LOVE YOU...
PLEASE BE STRONG...
NOT NOW...
NOT YET...
YOU'VE YET EATEN MY ABALONE THAT I BOUGHT USING MY OWN POCKET MONEY
I'VE NOT YET BRING U OUT FOR A WALK
PLEASE DUN GO...."
At that point of time...
i felt totally useless,
and afraid,
having no one to lean a shoulder to cry on...
but with my own hands to wipe off my tears...
for i have to be strong...
Debe, thanks for coming down early.
Talked to me ...
i feel better for that period of that time..
but still, i need time.
cuz i am not ready for anything to happen...
i cannot take it.
not now.
not ever...
for i am not strong enought to face such things...
PS: syg, i miss u. i miss u hug that i need so much right now...but i understand...
in time, soon, i would want ur shoulder n that hug from u... ='(